Brain Pudding

DISCLAIMER
We here at Brain Pudding are all about the love. We don’t discriminate, hate, or otherwise perpetuate negative stereotypes. I mean sure, we dissed the Nazis, but really, they had it coming to them!
This article is to be taken simply for the information therein. Believe me, you might be surprised at what you’ll learn. Please don’t hate. If necessary, you may find that you’ll need to grow a sense of humor in order to continue lurking. Now that THAT’S out of the way…

Not all men have “gaydar;” that thing inside your brain which lets you know who is gay or not. “Why would that even matter?” you might ask warily. That’s a good question, no matter how wary. Here are a few reasons why you might want to know if your friend is

You might not know by looking at him...

gay. Now, before we begin, this article focuses on males. Why? Mostly because straight guys are usually the more freaked out about being gay. Some guys think that just finding out that someone is gay might have some sort of effect whereby the “gay” will rub off on them, just like how one can turn into a zombie by being bitten by one (A zombie, not a gay guy. Despite what the Baptists might tell you, there are no known incidents of people turning into zombies after being bitten someone who is gay).

So here are some reasons you might want to know if your friend is gay:

1. It’s easier to shop for someone when you know their sexual preference. I mean, straight guys don’t really shop for each other anyway, and straight guys NEVER give each other things like greeting cards or gift bags. But you get a free pass as a straight guy if you want to give one or the other to your gay friend. Just make sure you awkwardly clarify to the elderly checkout clerk at the Hallmark store that you “aren’t gay.” Then make sure she sees you checking out her breasts to insure she gets your drift.
2. You can avoid some seriously awkward moments when you try to set up your gay friend with your sister because you thought he was straight.
3. You now have a “go-to” guy to ask questions about those TV shows that you couldn’t ask your straight friends about, for fear they’d think you were gay. For example, you can catch up on the Kardashians, Kate from the “Jon and Kate Plus Eight” show (By the way, one of my gay friends told me they broke up), RuPaul’s Drag Race, and more. PLUS, you have the inside scoop on Liza, Bette Midler, and Zsa Zsa!!
4. You’ll find out who all the closeted gay actors are (George Clooney, I’m looking in your direction!).
5. And finally, you’ll begin to learn how to get over yourself about the whole “gay” thing. You might just find out that gay people are just like everyone else and you can go about your life not worrying that you’ll “Catch gay,” (Unless you want to)!

So if you have a friend who you think might be gay, but don’t want to ask JUST IN CASE you think he might not be, but then you think he’ll think YOU’RE gay for asking; here are some telltale signs:

1. Has he ever complimented you on your shoes?
2. Has be ever made catty remarks about another woman’s shoes?
3. Has he ever publicly admitted to having gone “antiquing?”
4. Does he love to cook complicated gourmet meals?
5. Does he know EXACTLY which wine (And year) goes with his gourmet meals?
6. Does he know how to work a barbecue?
7. Does he have any of the following in his music collection:
   Cher
   Bette Midler
   Cass Elliot (Sans Mamas and the Papas)
   Judy Garland
   Debbie Reynolds
   KD Lang
   Barbra Streisand (BONUS: Does he know Barbra’s Middle Name?)
   Sam Harris
8. In discussing John Waters’ movies, does he somehow always manage to interject how they just aren’t the same without Divine?
9. Does he still cry when Elizabeth Taylor is mentioned?
10. Is his residence ABSOLUTELY spotless?

If any or all of the above apply, then he might be gay…but does it really matter? I mean, why even ask the question? So what if he is? We’ve already gone over how (according to scientists) the “gay” won’t rub off on you. Get over your hangups (if you still have them), and enjoy the friendship. Hey, you might even get an incredible meal out of it! Your gay friend is a fellow human being, just like you. Sure, you won’t be able to deride women and their body parts behind their backs like you do with your straight friends; but maybe you’ll learn a thing or two about tolerance in all people, who knows?

PS: I’m not gay!

The Bible as we know it has shaped morality, philosophy, and the higher purpose for a

Jesus' Uncle Morty. Alive and well and living in Florida.

portion of humanity for a few thousand years now. However, there are many accounts and books from the era that have been left out of the final cut (True story, look it up).

As it turns out, Jesus’ uncle Morty, is still alive and kicking. Now a retired carpenter living in West Palm Beach, FLA , he contacted us to set a few things straight, and to kvetch about the price of canned peas.

Brain Pudding: Morty, thank you for sitting down with us today. It’s a great honor to meet you.

Morty: Hello, shalom. What the hell kind of name is ‘Brain Pudding’ anyway? You think you’re funny or something? I know funny, mister, and you’re not it.

Brain Pudding: We’re here to talk about your claim that you are Jesus’ uncle.

Morty: Yes, that’s right, Mister funny man. And take that smarm out of your voice. I know who I am. What, you don’t believe me? I was at the kid’s bris, for crying out loud! What a farkacte party. I bring wine and cheese, the company plows through it like they haven’t eaten or drank in years. I wish the kid knew the water into wine trick then. What time is it?

Brain Pudding: All right, how are you two related?

Morty: Again with the attitude? What, you think I don’t have better things to do than to take your crap? I’m the kid’s uncle on his father’s side. Well, not his FATHER father, but, you know, Joey.

Brain Pudding: You mean Joseph, Mary’s husband?

Morty: Yeah, Joey. Whatever. The mishpokhe all called him Joey growing up. But using “Joey” in something like a bible story would make him look like a schmendrick, so they classed him up, which is all right by me.

Brain Pudding: So tell me about the time when Joseph…er…JOEY found out that his fiancee was going to give birth before they got married.

Morty: WooHOO, WOWIE! That was some mishigas when it all came out. I mean think about it, you got this nice babe, she’s a good kid, you know, a real sheyner ponim. Didn’t fool around. Joey used to come home from a date all with the shpilkes because he couldn’t get to first base with her.

Brain Pudding: You’re referring to Mary, Jesus’ mother?

Morty: No, mister wise guy! I’m referring to Ethel Merman! Of course, Mary. Geez, what a putz! Do I have to sit here and take this crap from you all day long? I thought this was a professional interview!

Brain Pudding: So you’re saying that Mary, when she met Joseph, was pure in thought and deed?

Morty: I’m not saying nothing. I’m only repeating what I heard. Is it lunchtime yet? I gotta take a pill.

Brain Pudding: So, how did the family take the news that she became pregnant, and that the baby wasn’t Joey’s?

Morty: You, sir, are NOT family! He’s Joseph to you.

Brain Pudding: Sorry.

Morty: Yeah, well…Where were we?

Brain Pudding: The family…taking the news about the baby.

Morty: Whoa-HOA, let me tell you, mister! All HELL broke loose. it was quite the tumul, what with the name calling and the bad blood. People telling Joey he’s a total shlemil for puttin’ up with it, but Joey, he’s a mentsh. He doesn’t want the kid to be a mamzer, so he does the right thing and marries her.

Brain Pudding: What was your opinion about Mary at the time.

Morty: Let me tell you something. Back in the day, you took people at their word. We did the right thing. You know, don’t play the patty-fingers with each other until you’re committed. Not like nowadays with your MTV telling the kids to get busy and…what do they call it? Knock shoes?

Brain Pudding: Boots.

Morty: Boots, right.

Brain Pudding: So tell me about Jesus. What was he like as a child?

Morty: Oh, everyone kvelled at the sight of him! He seemed to sort of…glow…you know? Good kid. NEVER bothered anybody. Stayed out of trouble. I wish his cousins took a page from HIS book, but NO!

Brain Pudding: There aren’t many accounts of Jesus’ childhood between his birth and when he reached approximately 33 years old and began to fulfill his calling. Can you perhaps fill in a few gaps?

Morty: What? Sure. I mean, that was a long time ago. So many things have happened since then. The Crusades, World War II, Reaganomics. Let me think…He was a good kid. Joey was good to him. Mary adored him. He was polite, but kept to himself. Got good grades in school, made his own toys out of thin air, stuff like that.

Brain Pudding: He became a carpenter. Can you tell me how that came about?

Morty: Oh sure! I put him to work for me. Joey comes to me. He says, “Morty. I gotta get the kid out of the house. He talks all day about a higher calling, but he’s got no job skills and no career goals. Take him under your wing for a while, huh?” “Sure,” I says, “But don’t expect any special favors.” So I brought him on board.

Brain Pudding: How did he do as a carpenter?

Morty: Talk about your fast learners! What that kid could do with a saw and a plane was nothing short of a kholem.

Brain Pudding: So what happened?

Morty: I don’t know. Here he was, a good kid doing good work. Then he starts showing up late. He’s out hanging with the hookers and those nogoodnik smelly fishermen. I’m like “Kid, what are you doing? You’re screwing up a good thing!”

Brain Pudding: What was his reaction?

Morty: I dunno. He didn’t really say anything. Just gave me this…you know…LOOK. He whispers something under his breath, and suddenly I’m forgetting that I’m angry and I’m going about my business.

Brain Pudding: He gained quite a bit of popularity as time went by and he was spreading his message. What was your reaction?

Morty: Oh boy! Yeah, that was quite the thing. He’s suddenly somebody, but doesn’t take a dime for his troubles. He’s telling stories, healing people, feeding a crowd of five thousand with some fish and some bread; but he wasn’t without the baggage, too. Some of those fishermen he hung around with were quite the mishmash. And the Romans, OY! They keep coming around my worksite, asking me questions about the kid. “I don’t know!”, I say. “I’m just the boy’s uncle. He took off one day and left his toolbelt. What do you want from me?” He could’ve made a good living as a carpenter, but nooo…He had to go and be Mr. BIG SHOT!

Brain Pudding: How did you take the news when he died?

Morty: Oh, that was tough. I mean, I was sometimes hard on the kid because I was looking out for his future, but I loved him, you know. He was a little weird at times, but a good worker. Even though he hung around with prostitutes, he never…you know…and I believed him. This whole mishigas about him dying so that he can save people, I just didn’t get it. But you look back at it all, and he gave people hope, you know? Whether you buy into the speil or not, he did a good thing. Crazy kid!

Brain Pudding: According to the scriptures, he arose three days after he died.

Morty: I wouldn’t know. I heard he was in town, proving his existence and talking about the bigger picture, but does he bother to stop in and say hi to his uncle? NO!

Brain Pudding: So what have you been doing with yourself these days?

Morty: Well, I’m retired, and on a fixed income. I mostly watch the TV. I’m really into Animal Cops. I don’t know how they get those dogs to do those things.

Brain Pudding: Is there anything you’d like to say to your nephew, given the chance?

Morty: Yes. J, you’re a good kid. But CALL ME once in a while!

Dear Brain Pudding,

Thank you for allowing me to become a contributor to your fine, upstanding blog site. I don’t really get your jokes, but I do like to laugh. Maybe someday you can send my personal assistant a message explaining what your posts are about. You’ll have to wait until after the 14th, because I sent her to Paris to find me a new nanny as my old one married a prince while on vacation in Monte Carlo.

Anyway, as you know I’m big on the abstinence thing, and I spend a lot of my time traveling the country to speak to teenagers about not having sex. I have gotten some heat from the media about my speaking fees, but as you well know, sex isn’t free! I also am a little miffed at how I get called a hypocrite for speaking about abstinence when obviously I had premarital intercourse when I was a teenager which resulted in becoming pregnant. I’d like to address that, if I may. Have you SEEN Levi Johnston? Oh my GOD, that guy is sexy! He turned out to be an a-hole, but DAYUM, he’s hot! And talk about a stallion, that guy goes on FOREVER! PHEW! I’m sweating just thinking about it right now.

You'd do him too if you had the chance.

Let me tell you, he couldn’t keep his hands off of me, and we did it EVERYWHERE! In the house, on the kitchen table when my parents weren’t home, on the Vice Presidential tour bus…It was bomb-diggity CRAZY, yo!

Of course, I didn’t plan on getting pregnant. But that’s what happens when you stash a box of condoms in the glove compartment of your car in the dead of winter in Alaska.
Of course, as you all know, things didn’t work out between Levi and me. It’s all right, though. I’ve decided to make it my life’s work to tell children across the country (Once the check clears) that sex is bad. Well, SEX IS GREAT…But premarital sex is BAD…unless you’ve been with Levi Johnston. And good luck, you little bitches, I RUINED him for any other woman. Him and his fine hard body…STAY AWAY FROM HIM!

Where was I? Oh yes…Thank you once again for allowing me to speak to the children on the interwebs machine. Kids, don’t have sex!
Please make your cashier’s check payable in the amount of $35,000 to “Bristol Palin.”

Hugs and Kisses (In an abstinence kind of way),

Bris